What is the date you began writing this memoir and the date when you completed the memoir? Ron, my partner of 31 years, passed away near the end of March 2021. From the time he was in Hospice, the Chaplain advised me to address my grief by writing. What first poured out was poetry. Much of the poetry was written in the first six months after Ron passed away. In the meantime, I had heard about some of my friends’ experiences with grief. That, coupled with my Chaplain’s counseling, made me realize that others suffering this sometimes-debilitating state would benefit from our knowledge. I began the book format during September 2021 and completed it in December 2021.
Where did you do most of your writing for this memoir? And please describe in detail. I sat at my computer or at the breakfast table. I had an unbelievable amount of paperwork to finalize due to Ron’s death. Each time an emotion welled up, it expressed in verse, with little to no prodding from me. Yet, poetry was not what I usually wrote. I could be in the middle of concentration on completing federal forms and my mind would take off. I also woke in the middle of the night and would dash for my PC. Being a writer, I knew when an idea came in the middle of the night, you didn’t tell yourself you’ll remember it in the morning.
What were your writing habits while writing this memoir- did you drink something as you wrote, listen to music, write in pen and paper, directly on laptop; specific time of day? Mostly, I would be sitting at my computer most of the day. I always have water or tea with me. While writing poetry, I was also writing letters to Ron, suggested by my counselor. So, I’d be writing something to Ron or about Ron, or my pain, to relieve my stress. Other then that, I have total silence no matter what I may be writing. Even music is an interruption, but I do play music sometimes when editing.
Out of all the specific memories you write about in this memoir, which ONE MEMORY was the most emotional for you to write about? And can you share that specific excerpt with us here. The excerpt can be as short or as long as you prefer, and please provide page numbers as reference.
The one memory that haunts me is that I was not there to hold him at the moment of death. I wrote about it in this poem. My book is available in many formats so page numbers will be off. The poem appears in Chapter 8 – At That Very Moment
A Wounded Bird
I watched you
near lifeless, unmoving
barely breathing
My heart wrenched
as I fluttered around your bed
like a wounded bird
not wanting to dump
my jumble of emotions
onto you
I wanted to hug you
hold you
but I didn’t
for fear
of interrupting your peace
It is one of my
biggest failings
I should have held you
picked up your shoulders
held your body close to mine
You may have felt me too
one last time
Not doing so
one of the biggest mistakes
of a wounded bird
I’d like to add here that much later, I had a huge cathartic moment that helped to relieve my guilt. I included it in later chapters in the book.
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Can you describe the emotional process of writing about this ONE MEMORY? I wrote the draft of “A Wounded Bird” and it wasn’t saying what I meant to say. I left it for a few hours. By the time I went back to it, like the rest of the poetry I’d written, it tumbled into place. Then I sat and cried because crying is part of addressing the pain and getting through it. I felt I had let Ron down because we always said who ever went first would hold the other. Also, he died when I was not present. My guilt consumed me.
Were there any deletions from this excerpt that you can share with us? No deletions. I’m open with my feelings. The poetry in the book is emotional and raw.