#18 Backstory of the Poem “ARTERIAL DISCOMBOBULATION” by Juliet Cook

*This was first published on May 25, 2018

Can you go through the step-by-step process of writing this poem from the moment the idea was first conceived in your brain until final form? I can’t be step-by-step process about it, because it was written several years ago, and I have memory issues, as well as a mild form of aphasia – but I can tell you what inspired it. What inspired it was also somewhat related to my aphasia.

https://www.aphasia.org/

The reason I have aphasia is because when I was 37, I suffered from an unexpected carotid artery dissection, which caused an aneurysm, which caused a stroke. It resulted in some brain damage and it also seemed to result in divorce from my marriage, exactly one year later. Following that combination of factors, I had discomfort and uncertainty and doubt and questioning and lack of trust related to true love and significant relationships, as well as fear that I might suffer from another unexpected carotid artery dissection/stroke that made me immobile and/or even more disabled – that damaged my brain far away from the real me.

Where were you when you started to actually write the poem? And please describe the place in great detail. What month and year did you start writing this poem? For similar reasons to the above, I can’t describe this in a detailed manner either. My brain has issues with dates and numbers, but I think the poem was written sometime in 2011. (BELOW: Juliet Cook in December of 2011. Copyright by Juliet Cook.)

I think it was written during the year I was temporarily living with my parents, on the brink of and for several months after my divorce. I spent a lot of my time there inside a bedroom and the adjoining room where I had my computer installed. I spent a lot of my time trying to write out my thoughts in different ways.

Juliet Cook in her “Poet” socks. Credit and Copyright by Juliet Cook.

My small space was filled with unorganized boxes and for a while I thought that was because I didn’t have my own space during that time – and that once I got my own space, I’d arrange it specifically, creatively, uniquely, and in a clearly organized fashion. But as it turns out, my current space, which IS my own space is still unorganized and cluttered. I am semi-frequently rearranging, misplacing, and temporarily (sometimes permanently) losing hand written papers and notebooks and other items. For reasons such as these, I do most of my creative writing on my computer in recent years, because it’s more save-able and find-able that way.

What do you want readers of this poem to take from this poem? Readers can take whatever they choose to take from it. Hopefully, a few readers will be interested in it and/or moved by it and/or relate to it on their own personal, emotional levels and feel less alone, despite their distrust of love and fear of non-existence.

BROKEN DOLL credit and copyright by Juliet Cook.

Which part of the poem was the most emotional of you to write and why?

“What if my carotid arteries are predatory beasts?

What if they wish to slaughter my entire neck;

impale me?…”

“…what if

my whole personality gets impaled? What if

I can no longer walk, talk, dance, kiss, speak for myself,

read, or write poetry? What if I lose all my passion, lust,

interest and love? What if another artery bleeds out

until it removes the real me?”

“POET’S EYE” credit and copyright by Juliet Cook.

Nobody knows exactly what caused my carotid artery dissection, so part of me worries that I have weak or abnormal arteries and another serious health issue might happen.

A little over a year ago, I had a cat scan done to check my neck arteries and they looked healthy at that time.

But I still sometimes worry about suffering from another carotid artery dissection and either dying or existing as a body that doesn’t have my own brain inside it anymore – or that does have my own brain inside it, but can no longer express my own thoughts and feelings.

Has this poem been published before? And if so where? This poem previously appeared upon an online site called Body of Words which published anonymous poetry and art and essays focused on parts of the body (and how they impacted one’s mind on an individual level) and combined with a photo related to that body part. My poem appeared alongside a photo of my neck. That site is now defunct, however.

“Juliet’s Neck” credit and copyright by Juliet Cook.

The poem also appears within my second full-length poetry book, “Malformed Confetti”, which is forthcoming from Crisis Chronicles Press in 2018.

“Angelina” art work attributed to Simona Candini.

Anything you would like to add? Semi-related to what I mention in this interview, after I had the stroke, I had to relearn the alphabet and relearn to read and write. For a while, I could no longer read poetry – and for a while after that, I could no longer understand poetry, not even my own previously written poetry.

Juliet Cook in October of 2017. Credit and Copyright by Juliet Cook.

After I regained my ability to read and write and understand, I was nervous about attempting to write new poetry, because I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to anymore. Thank goodness, I found out I still could, although it did emerge a bit differently than it used to. It still felt like me, but a shorter, more abstract, more visual variation of me.

“The Poet’s Hand” credit and copyright by Juliet Cook.

“ARTERIAL DISCOMBOBULATION” includes parts of my language that feel abstract and visual combined with parts of language that are more basic and emotional. But prior to that particular poem, I created and self-published a tiny chapbook-sized collection of poems called “POST-STROKE” that are short, abstract, but creatively emerged from my healing brain.

Juliet Cook at a poetry event in April of 2018. Copyright by Juliet Cook.

Juliet Cook’s poetry has appeared in a small multitude of magazines, including Arsenic Lobster, DIAGRAM, Diode, FLAPPERHOUSE, Menacing Hedge and Reality Beach. She is the author of numerous poetry chapbooks, recently including POISONOUS BEAUTYSKULL LOLLIPOP (Grey Book Press, 2013), RED DEMOLITION (Shirt Pocket Press, 2014), a collaboration with Robert Cole called MUTANT NEURON CODEX SWARM (Hyacinth Girl Press, 2015), and a collaboration with j/j hastain called Dive Back Down (Dancing Girl Press, 2015). Cook’s first full-length individual poetry book, “Horrific Confection”, was published by BlazeVOX and her second full-length individual poetry book, “Malformed Confetti” is forthcoming from Crisis Chronicles Press. Her most recent full-length poetry book, “A Red Witch, Every Which Way”, is a collaboration with j/j hastain published by Hysterical Books in 2016. She also sometimes creates abstract painting collage art hybrid creatures. She also serves as an editor and publisher for a small indie poetry press, Blood Pudding Press.