What is the date you began writing this memoir and the date when you completed the memoir? I began writing in the fall of 2008, and finished in spring 2019. Two of those eleven years were a complete pause though; I lost confidence and couldn’t write. But the book kept nagging at me to finish.
Where did you do most of your writing for this memoir? And please describe in detail. Most of my writing was done at my dining room table, especially when my kids were in school. As a single mom I drove my kids around constantly, occasionally I’d write at a Starbucks while my son was at dance class. I also attended writing retreats on the Northern California coast where I was very productive – no distractions!
What were your writing habits while writing this memoir- did you drink something as you wrote, listen to music, write in pen and paper, directly on laptop; specific time of day? It varied greatly. Again, I found that I accomplished far more when my kids were occupied (although as they got older I could tell them to entertain themselves). My fairly consistent routine was bringing them to school, walking the dogs (which gave me time and headspace to think about my story) and then writing in the late morning with a second cup of coffee. I’m an avid NPR listener, but I found that I couldn’t listen to someone talking while writing, so I usually listened to gentle classical music. I did all my writing on my desktop computer, then later on my laptop.
Out of all the specific memories you write about in this memoir, which ONE MEMORY was the most emotional for you to write about? And can you share that specific excerpt with us here. The excerpt can be as short or as long as you prefer, and please provide page numbers as reference.
P. 146 – 147
Whenever I ask, Learning Services brings David home to San José. Sometimes friends join us, especially Karen and Alex whose children are close to Hannah and Joshie. We sit in the backyard, drink wine, watch the kids on the play structure that David assembled when he could still follow instructions safely. Sometimes Alex takes David inside ostensibly to play video games, but Karen and I know they’re going out front to smoke cigarettes. We shoot hoops or try to play ping-pong. David is agitated when he misses the ball. And when the kids misbehave—which is frequently.
David is particularly impatient with his son. Joshie’s repetitive behaviors irritate him.
“Look! Watch me going down the slide!” Joshie calls for the tenth (or twentieth) time. He constantly craves adult attention.
“I don’t care,” David yells back.
Joshie looks stricken. He runs into the house, not wanting the other kids to see the tears streaming down his face.
“David, you need to be nicer to your son,” I admonish—as if it will make a difference. I head after Joshie — he’ll be tough to console. I can’t remember if David was harder on Joshie than Hannah before the accident. Most fathers do have higher standards for their sons. But David’s unfiltered put-downs are devastating.
I find him on his bed, face buried in his pillow. “Why is Daddy so nasty?”
I sit down next to him and stroke his back. “Daddy doesn’t mean it that way. Remember what I told you? His brain just doesn’t know how to be nice sometimes.” Joshie turns over to look at me, sniffles. I wipe some tears from his cheek with my thumb. “He really loves you.”
From the look on Joshie’s face, I’m not sure he believes me.
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Can you describe the emotional process of writing about this ONE MEMORY? My story is primarily about how my relationship with my husband David changed after his brain injury, however I wanted to show how his condition and erratic, unfiltered behavior affected our children. Even though David couldn’t control his outbursts, it was painful to remember – and thus relive – a specific event when he was hurtful. Writing this scene triggered memories of how David’s deficits and behavior was either upsetting or confusing for the kids.
Rachel Michelberg grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area and still enjoys living there with her husband Richard and their two dogs, Nala and Beenie. She earned her bachelor of music degree in vocal performance from San Jose State University and has performed leading roles in musicals and opera from Carmen to Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady and the Mother Abbess (three times!) in The Sound of Music. When Rachel isn’t working with one of her thirty voice and piano students, she loves gardening, hiking, and making her own bone broth. Crash: How I Became a Reluctant Caregiver is her first book.
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