What is the date you began writing this memoir and the date when you completed the memoir? That’s a difficult one to answer. About a year after my divorce in 1999 I began to transcribe the journals I’d kept during the last ten years of my twenty-five-year marriage. In 2003 I remarried and took a break. A couple of years after that, I began working on it again, then took another break when I launched an online toy business with books and toys I created. When that went bust, I became more serious about writing the memoir, wanting to show what emotional and spiritual abuse looked like and how those things affected my faith.
As I wrote, I shared the chapters with my critique group. In 2016 I felt I was ready to find an editor (Oona Cava Sherman). We worked on it for several months until I felt confident it was ready to be submitted. I met a representative (Terry Whalen) of Morgan James, a hybrid publisher, at a Christian writers conference and was offered a contract. I ultimately decided the memoir needed a major restructuring. In the meantime, my editor had been upping her expertise, so she really challenged me our second time around. Once again, I submitted it to Morgan James and it was published March, 2021.
Click on the below link to visit Oona Cava Sherman’s web page
https://oonacava.com/about-me.html
Click on the link below to read about Terry Whalen.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/terrywhalin
Speaking of my critique group … I had difficulty coming up with a title, and during one critique meeting, out of exasperation, one of the members (Meghan Jones) said, “Just call it God, the Devil, and Divorce!” I knew she was being snarky, but I also knew immediately she had named my story.
Where did you do most of your writing for this memoir? And please describe in detail. I know many writers like to have a dedicated room in which to write, but I’ve always have had my office open to the kitchen. I love to cook, so that makes it easy to transition from writing to cooking and back again. My husband is good about not disturbing me when I give him “the look.” My current office space has windows looking out into the back yard where I catch a glimpse of the birds and squirrels that visit. It’s also close to my vegetable garden, so when I need a break during nice weather, I stroll out there and check on what’s currently growing.
What were your writing habits while writing this memoir – did you drink something as you wrote, listen to music, write in pen and paper, directly on laptop; specific time of day? I love writing on my desktop computer. I find it so easy to move words and phrases around. I’m very “crafty,” and the process feels as if I’m shaping my story. I don’t set a specific time to write. I don’t need to because writing is an obsession of mine. I write whenever I can, often right after breakfast when I’m still in my bathrobe. When I get stuck, I go for my Java Mocha or a chocolate bar.
Out of all the specific memories you write about in this memoir, which ONE MEMORY was the most emotional for you to write about? And can you share the specific excerpt with us here. The excerpt can be as short or as long as you prefer, and please provide page numbers or chapter number as references.
Chapter Twenty-three, “Beyond Belief” pp141-142 in paperback
(For the last three nights, Jim has been coming home very late, seeing a new “friend.” He claims, “We’re just talking.”)
I’m in shock. Only a few months ago, Jim had been telling me he was going to fight for our marriage. I took that to mean he still loved me. Despite our problems, I’ve clung to that belief. But I’ve been delusional, protecting my ego, I suppose. How could he love me and yet hurt me like this while we are still married and living together? Jim has done many hurtful things over the years but lying to my face now makes it so much worse. The one thing I’ve always wanted from him is honesty, and yet now he won’t even give me that.
I ask Jim if we can talk. “This is a very delicate time we’re in. The decisions and actions we make now will affect us the rest of our lives. We have to be very careful to respect one another and not do anything to create animosity between us. This new relationship of yours is a big problem. When you see your Promise Keeper friends in Bend, I want you to ask their opinion about you seeing this woman. And be honest. Don’t tell them half-truths like you do sometimes. Do they believe you’re doing the right thing?”
Jim nods. “Okay.”
I think I’ve done well by staying calm and firm, when I really, really want to kick him you-know-where.
Jim’s going out with his lady friend feels similar to the watershed moment when Rex had a vasectomy without my consent, then divorced me. I hurt like hell, but I clearly saw there was no reason whatsoever to hang on to the relationship. Jim’s behavior is the visible sign of the poison that has been happening underground all those years.
I’m in such turmoil I don’t know what to do with myself. I call Ros. (Rosalind’s Twenty-Four-Hour Broad Shoulders for Distraught Women), and she urges me to come over. She and her partner, Tom, embrace me, feed me, and listen to my heartbreak. Ros and I take a walk and then she tells me to lie down and take a nap. I’ll never forget their love and care when I needed it the most. I feel a little saner when I finally leave.
When Jim gets back from Bend, he doesn’t volunteer any mention of his Promise Keeper friends. I finally ask.
“They couldn’t agree. But three of them told me it wasn’t right, so I asked to be forgiven.”
“From whom?”
“Jesus.”
“That’s good,” I say, “but what about me? Do you want my forgiveness?”
“I haven’t had the chance to ask.”
Give me a break! “Interesting that you didn’t answer my question.”
“What question?”
“Do you want my forgiveness?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you pain. I hope you’ll forgive me.”
I don’t feel as if he’s said it with much sincerity, but then I remember that is his problem. So I say yes, I forgive him. “I can be forgiving if I’m asked,” I tell him. “It’s just that I’m rarely asked.” Then I add, “You need to move out.”
Click on the below link to order GOD, THE DEVIL, AND DIVORCE from Amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/God-Devil-Divorce-Transformative-Emotional/dp/1631951505/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Can you describe the emotional process of writing about this one memory? I remember crying when I first read this section to my critique group. But over time, writing my story turned from being a cathartic experience to a professional one. I wanted to make it the best piece of literature I could create as I focused on the craft of writing.
Were there any deletions from this excerpt that you can share with us? Singing has always been my thing. I’ve sung all my life, and it is a part of who I am. When I sing, I my entire body fills up with song and it feels marvelous. Despite my nervousness, I’ve never spurned the spotlight. As a performer, it’s important to me that the audience enjoys my work.
One might think that one’s spouse would be someone to ask for feedback as to how the performance went, but I got tired of only getting negative remarks from Jim.
October 16, 1994 (Journal Entry)
As I was singing my little solo part in church today, I was sort of looking and listening to myself and making observations. “Linda, how can you stand up here in front of these people and be so self-assured. You should be really nervous. Your voice should be wobbling. What are you doing?!”
Then another thought. “I’ll tell you what I’m doing! I’m singing for the joy of it! I’m singing because God made me this way and He’s calling me to sing! And I’m having a good time and I’m doing a good job sharing my song with the congregation! Thank you Lord!”
It felt like a watershed moment. I don’t think this means I will never be nervous again, but I do think it means I will be able to sing with more assurance from now on.
Just as I was singing, Jim came into the sanctuary. I was really excited about my experience and was interested to find out if he had noticed any difference in my performance. When I got home I asked him what he thought of it. He explained that he had just gotten there and “wasn’t really tuned in.” I was hurt. Why can’t he be encouraging?
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian living in northwestern Washington state. She writes for both children and adults. Her recently published memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, chronicles her twenty-five-year marriage, her struggle to make the decision to divorce, and God’s provision in the aftermath. Click here for more information about the memoir.
In going through a divorce, Linda was condemned by some Christians and churches and supported by others. This experience prompted her to begin her blog, Help and Healing for Divorced Christians, where she gives helpful advice and encourages churches to fully embrace divorced people.
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Linda is also the author ofHome of the Heart, a “career romance” based on her experience as an interior designer. It’s been recently revised and available as an eBook. Currently she also has three eBook “Quick Reads” available – Welcome to the Land of Enchantment: A Short Memoir of a Young Marriage (a prequel to God, the Devil, and Divorce), Finding Joy in being Single after Divorce, and Ballroom Dancing and Other Life Lessons. Keiko’s Story: A Killer Whale Goes Home, a non-fiction school and library book, was inspired by her acquaintance with Keiko, the whale star of the movie, Free Willy. In addition, she’s written numerous articles and short non-fiction books for adults. Linda has an MA in Art Education with credentials in Library Media.https://www.lindamkurth.com/