What is the date you began writing this memoir and the date when you completed the memoir? Without being facetious, I started my memoir as a nine-year-old struggling with bullying in school. My pediatrician suggested to my mother that I write in a diary to get my feelings on paper. Those early writings about pain, hurts, slights, and feeling isolated helped me understand the power and cathartic experience of moving thoughts and feelings from within to paper.
Specific to Finding North: A Journey from Addict to Advocate, I started writing it in 2018 at the suggestion of my co-editor at Two Drops of Ink, Scott Biddulph (Below Right).
But before I could write my memoir, I had to study other memoirs, biographies, and autobiographies – in other words, research as a way to procrastinate.
Finally, there were no more excuses for not writing it. I then had three extraordinarily knowledgeable and trustworthy women edit the manuscript, Dr. Claudia Ricci, Catherine Townsend-Lyon, and Shahnaz Radjy. I trusted them to deal with syntax as editors and proofreaders, but more importantly, I trusted them as friends to help me disclose my secrets and shame in a helpful way to other addicts.
https://www.facebook.com/claudiajricci
https://www.facebook.com/AdvocateCatherineLyon
https://www.facebook.com/shahnaz.radjy
The book was published on January 27, 2021.
Where did you do most of your writing for this memoir? And please describe in detail. I write at my mother’s Queen Anne desk on a desktop (Below). I have a large monitor and believe in Track Changes, so I need the additional visual that a large monitor provides.
I also keep a writer’s journal in my purse so if I’m at the park, or even sitting in a parking lot, if a memory came to me, I could jot down enough information to write about that memory later.
A writer’s journal also means that I’ve recorded the darlings for my two blogs.
https://fromaddict2advocate.com/
What were your writing habits while writing this memoir- did you drink something as you wrote, listen to music, write in pen and paper, directly on laptop; specific time of day? I have the requisite coffee or tea on my desk, so I don’t have to get up. I think all of us who work from home understand that in the process of getting up to get coffee, we notice the plants need watering, there’s laundry to move from the washer to the dryer, and does Jackson, my cat, need some playtime. Then we’ve managed to leave the writing for over an hour. The plants and Jackson may be happy, but I’ve procrastinated, and now I’ve digressed.
I listened to specific music while writing my memoir. I tapped into the 60s when writing about being a teenager, and Hendrix, Eric Clapton, The Beatles, and The Stones took me back. I’m not sure I would have remembered certain experiences without this audio prompt. Again, I listened to the decade’s music to help recreate a mood and would recommend this, especially during the draft stages.
As I’ve gotten older, I wake up usually before the sun is up. Although I take walks around 6 AM, I find that writing in the solitude of the morning works well for me. Jackson’s fed, no need to water the plants, and the day reinforces beginnings. I’d write for 2 hours, knew I’d walk after finishing the morning session, and then wrote on the memoir from 3 PM until 5 PM. I reserved 12 PM – 3 PM for editing submissions and posting to the blogs.
Even when I was writing the memoir or editing submissions, my journal was on the desk for thoughts about either-even if it was a thought or memory, not during the “scheduled time.” I also write in colors, red if I’m angry or was angry in a memory, blue if sad, green if envious, and black if neutral. It’s a trick I’ve used in counseling individuals in recovery to help them get in touch with their emotions and review weekly for patterns of feelings in their daily journal.
Out of all the specific memories you write about in this memoir, which ONE MEMORY was the most emotional for you to write about? And can you share that specific excerpt with us here. The excerpt can be as short or as long as you prefer, and please provide page numbers as reference. I blamed others in my drug and alcohol use, whether it was my parents, spouses, co-workers, or bosses. As a recovering person, I needed to acknowledge my wrongs. Writing about being a negligent, self-centered, selfish mother was difficult. Still, for this to be authentic and perhaps help another mother understand that others have harmed their children, I had to write about the neglect.
Chapter 48
In 12-Step based recovery, it’s written that “we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it,” and that by sharing the most shameful experiences, we may help another person see that others have done awful things to people in their addictions, and through recovery efforts have made amends.
I am deeply ashamed of how I neglected Andrea when she needed a mother. Andrea had her friend, Hillary, spend the night, and in the morning, she started screaming as Andrea was bleeding.
Maybe I heard her, but either hung-over or coming down, I stayed in bed. Andrea came in to get me up as she realized she’d started her period. Instead of getting up and comforting her, I gave her money and sent her to the store.
She dressed in a puffy jacket and stared at the female products, not knowing what to buy. A clerk in the store thought she was getting ready to steal something and asked if she could help her. Andrea started crying, and the woman kindly helped her.
I was disconnected from reality, self-centered, and a horrible mother.
Besides hitting Dannella and abandoning Andrea, I started waking the girls up in the middle of the night to confirm that they also saw the FBI agents in the trees outside the living room windows.
I would have them crawl in the dark to the window and, of course, there was nothing there, only the drug-induced, over-stimulated imaginings of their addicted mother.
Page 113: Finding North: A Journey from Addict to Advocate
Can you describe the step-by-step process of writing about this ONE MEMORY? I knew I had been a negligent mother, making my needs and wants more important than my daughter’s. While I could judge them, I also wanted to acknowledge which experiences were most painful for my daughters, so I tentatively asked them to help me understand, from their perspectives, which of my actions were most traumatic for them.
Andrea described in detail her experience at the drug store. Perhaps because she is also in recovery, with 25 years, she is more understanding and forgiving of me than some daughters might be if they experienced what she did.
She did not have her children until she was in recovery. We are just thankful that we both are in recovery, have an opportunity to live better lives, and in my case, I can be a Nana to her children and not traumatize them as I did her.
Were there any deletions from this excerpt that you can share with us? No, I purposefully made this short, not to leave anything out but to narrow the focus to how I had harmed my children in my use.
Marilyn L. Davis is a Certified Addiction Recovery Empowerment Specialist who opened and operated an award-winning residential facility between 1990 and 2011, called North House. She also facilitated men’s, women’s, and HIV-positive groups.
She recently celebrated 32 years of abstinence-based recovery.
Davis is the author of Therapeutic Integrated Educational Recovery System. In 2008, Brenau University created the Marilyn Davis Community Service Learning Award. This ongoing award honors individuals working in recovery and mental health. In 2010, Marilyn received the Liberty Bell award. This award is given to non-judges and attorneys for contributions to the criminal justice system and communities.
Before finding recovery in 1988, Davis was a desperate woman on drugs, managing bands at night, giving up her children, having her house foreclosed, and running to Georgia. After an intervention by Brenau University, she attended two 12-Step meetings a day. A chance encounter with a 74-year old Native American named Gray Hawk showed her that healing would include meetings and Steps. He had searched for her and wanted her to open a house of healing for other women. This encounter with Gray Hawk helped her realize that opening North House was her purpose. She recently published her memoir, Finding North: A Journey from Addict to Advocate.
Davis is also Editor-in-Chief at https://twodropsofink.com a literary blog, where she continues to encourage collaborative writing.
The site’s writers are poets, problem-solvers for writers, and bloggers. Prose and essays educate, entertain, and enchant readers with the written word. The writers represent different countries, viewpoints, and opinions from around the world.